


A Dull Leaden Blue

by kalopsiablue



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Choi Soobin-Centric, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Soobin is Sad, Strangers to Lovers, hyuka is trying his best to be his little sunshine, sookai is soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26662150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalopsiablue/pseuds/kalopsiablue
Summary: A kid with deer eyes, smiling like the world spins just for him, like nothing has ever made him sad - like no one has ever dared to take his smile away.Maybe he is his last chance to be whole again.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin & Choi Yewon | Arin, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 7
Kudos: 72





	A Dull Leaden Blue

The sky is tinted orange, even though it's well after three in the morning. The rain is pouring in either fat heavy drops or a sheet of it. Lightning, thick and burning bright, flashes often. The rumbling thunder is near-constant, he can't tell where one starts and another ends. It's loud, the air is charged and he wonders if it'll strike the earth, or a building, any time soon. There's so much of it, the chances of it happening are more than likely.

His cat, normally calm and unafraid, is pacing nervously.

She's inside, though, walking the length of the house and waiting for him to get back in. The smoke is curling from the end of the cigarette, sitting outside under the slim shelter the house provides. He's just watching the storm, the knees of his soft pajamas dotted with water from the spray of rain.

He tosses the half-burnt cigarette off the balcony, listening to the hiss of it as it catches water. He goes back inside, grabs the cat and sits on the couch with her, scratching her behind the ears soothingly. She relaxes into his lap. He found her lurking outside, always in the same spot, and the day he thought enough to bring her a bit of food she followed him home, eager for more. She is affectionate, long-haired and a sweetheart. He can't see why anyone had abandoned her, and if she were born in the streets she didn't act like it.

As the storm slowly fades, he carries her back into his room and tries to sleep.

The morning is wet and cold, refreshing and dark and welcoming. He always feels better in the rain, like it would rinse away all his thoughts and leave him whole again. He goes to work, works all day, comes home and sits on the couch with his cat and watches another episode or two of some show before going to bed. Wakes up in the morning, shower, repeat until he has a day off. His days off are spent alone, mostly, get groceries for the week and maybe go visit his father, sick and dying in the hospital bed, for little more than an hour. Then back home, another couple episodes, sleep, get up the next day, go for a run, get a coffee and drink it by the lake, surrounded by trees. Go home, put on the television and stare at it until he has to go back to bed.

It’s his life, now, carefully chosen and planned out. His younger self would never have wished this kind of life on anyone, but here he is and he has chosen it. He has wanted the day in and day out monotony. Living, or perhaps existing, through each day obediently.

Occasionally, his brother worries about him. Shows up unannounced, told him that he needs to get out more, that he should come out with them. He declines, politely. Sometimes Beomgyu would try to set him up on a date, tell him that he needs to put himself out there again. He shouldn't be alone, he seems to think, even though he is content. He only gives him a smile, pinched and weak, and tells him he just isn't interested.

Long ago, he had realized he isn't cut out for relationships. The people he knows at work don't like him enough to see him outside of it, he knows that. But it’s a job, he is their boss, he isn't expected to be their friend.

And it’s okay, really, he is fine.

It used to ache sometimes, knowing exactly what the problem was and distressing over how he could _fix_ it. He doesn't anymore, he knows that it can't be fixed, that he's the problem, it's never been anyone else.

So he waves Beomgyu off, hugs him and assures him that he's just fine and that he doesn't need anyone. Sends him on his way, smiling in a way that makes the shadows in his eyes more prominent. When he's gone he sits down on the couch again, the empty spaces all around him cold and unfriendly, stares at the screen for seventeen minutes before realizing it's on the English channel, and he doesn't understand a word of English.

He sinks into the couch, deeper, and falls asleep there with the cat nowhere to be found.

The first was Bona.

She was beautiful, really, round face and long dark hair. Petite, a lot shorter than him and full of pretty smiles. She owned a couple of goldfish, they swam around in the little bowl, happy. And things went well for awhile, he thought, they got along well before she started pushing him away. Telling him he was too overbearing. Telling him he should stop being so controlling, that he needed to relax. If she wanted to spend a night in there was no reason for Soobin to be so cross.

He was young, stupid, they fought and the goldfish bowl clattered to the ground. Water soaked the carpet, little glittery rocks caught the light from the lightbulb, the fish fluttered, their tiny bodies trying to find the safety of the water.

Soobin's hands were wet, he had done this, and he turned his gaze to her. She looked so wounded, like he had actually reached out to hit her. He tried to reach out to her, comfort her, apologize to her, but she backed away, eyes wide, so he just left.

And he didn't come back. For weeks, he only saw the goldfish on the floor surrounded by coloured stones.

Soobin wakes up a bit late, drags himself to the mirror and stares into his reflection. There are lines on his face, now, he’s not so young anymore. He’s not a child, he’s not young and foolish but he knows he is still the problem. He presses his palm to his cheek, the skin still soft though it looks weathered. He feels as though he’s in his fourties, going on fifty in just a few years, though he is barely past his twenties. He washes his face, rinsing away the tiredness, feathered a hand through his hair and figures he can go a day without washing.

Then he is coming home again, after another day of work, sinking into his mattress and falling asleep because he is too tired to stay up, too tired to find his cat. When he wakes up, she is curled up beside him. The one relationship he wouldn't ruin, she is just a cat, so long as he keeps petting her and buying her food, she would still love him.

Second was Yunho.

He was a bit abusive, kind of rude, but fun in a way he hadn't done before. He tried not to be controlling, tried not to be overbearing, tried not to control him, let Yunho do what he wanted so Soobin stayed on the back burner, slowly simmering and waiting to be paid attention to.

Yunho was cheating on him for most of the relationship. Telling Soobin that he was too passive, that he expected more from someone who seemed so passionate. He angrily declared that he had walked all over Soobin on purpose, see how much shit he would take. It was Yunho who got tired of it, while Soobin patiently waited. Soobin, who had only found out that Yunho was cheating because Yunho had brought someone else, some blonde curvy little thing, to his place. Yunho laughed at him, told him all the things he had done. How much Soobin had been used, and Soobin just left without a word.

No protest, just like that, it was done. He was done.

His skin is warm, it’s hot today and he is running. All he can hear is his heart in his ears, the sound of his feet hitting the pavement, his breath, the rushing of his blood through his veins. And after he has run enough, he stops at that little stand. The truck that sold coffees and teas and biscuits, he buys a tea today because coffee doesn't keep him awake anymore. He walks to the little bench, sitting down on it and staring out over the lake.

The branches hang around him, dipping into the water. The waves are lazy, meeting the shore peacefully, like they are old friends. It’s shady here, protected by the sun and the light breeze. He drink only a few sips of the tea, fingers warmed by it, before he’s dumping it out and turning away, tossing out the container and running back to his place. Once there, he showers quickly and grabbed a book, reading only three pages before he can't do it anymore. He skims the words, rather than reading them, searching for something he can't name. He puts it down, puts his feet on the coffee table, sinks into the couch behind him, stares at the screen in front of him until his eyes begin to blur the images, then goes to bed.

Another day lived through, another work week about to begin.

Third was Jisu.

She had a kid when he met her, he was only three years old and took an instant shine to Soobin. It was those moments that he thought he might want to have kids of his own one day, fill the corners of his life with random toys left on the floor and a child's laughter. He tried not to be too overbearing, tried not to be too passive, tried to be somewhere in the middle. He tried to be _good_.

They dated for two years. And after a year, he began to realize she just liked the fact that Soobin liked her kid. That he would buy him things, take him out when she wanted the day to rest. There was nothing between them, they were together out of convenience.

And she was seeing someone else. She told him he lacked passion, that he was great with kids and a great man, but empty. There was something missing, and nothing she had done could fix that emptiness, that darkness, inside of him.

The day his father passes away shattered his schedule completely.

Soobin knows it’s coming, old age has caught up with him, finally, the businessman who everyone thought would never die. He takes two weeks off of work, mutely arranges the funeral, meets with his father's partners, sits in their offices over tumblers of whiskey and gin, a single ice cube in each glass.

There’s his father's home to deal with, inheritance, both he and Beomgyu can retire now and never have to work again if they wished. Soobin, in a fit of viciousness, donates thousands of his father's money to the charities he openly disagrees with.

It makes him feel a bit better.

The day of the funeral is filled with people who likely don't care about his father, and he is invited to speak to everyone. He speaks plainly, outlining his father's accomplishments, pretending that his failings hadn't happened. A funeral is no time to disrespect the man.

And after his two weeks vacation is up, Soobin is back to his usual routine.

_Fourth was Taehyun._

This time - he tried to just be himself. And it worked with Taehyun, for a little while, it was perfect. They clicked, well, really well, and Soobin thought that this could work. Maybe he was trying too hard, before, now he was just Soobin and Taehyun seemed to like him.

But they started fighting. And after they fought, Soobin realized that he was the one who got angry over nothing. He was the one to make a big fuss over something that didn't matter. And even though he realized that, began to notice it, he couldn't _stop_ it.

He was the one who ended it, before it got too bad, before he ended up pushing the man away completely.

Just another notch, he thought, another name to add to the 'people I've pushed away' list. He still remembered the goldfish, after all these years.

He still goes for coffee on the weekend after a run, he finishes the series he had been watching, and floundered briefly, wondering what he should do now, before settling on another. A show about someone who pretended to be normal.

Soobin wonders if he was pretending, too.

He keeps to his schedule, diverting Beomgyu's voice insisting that he go and do something meaningful, that he go out with them tomorrow night, that he just goddamn smile sometimes. So he gives him a pinched smile and tells him that he has far too much to do, that taking all that time off of work has put him behind. He leaves in a huff, throwing his hands into the air and declaring him utterly pointless.

And he smiles ruefully, eyes downcast and staring at the floor. He hasn't expected to lose Beomgyu so abruptly, he is related to him, he doesn't expect that he would walk out on him too. He laughs, suddenly, the sound bursting from his chest painfully. He sinks onto the couch, under a thick blanket as it starts raining outside, and watches the rest of the first season of the show. Staying up far too late.

Then, the next day, getting back into his careful schedule.

When he goes for a run, it’s still raining. He still leaves, paying hardly a care to it, running to the little truck and asking for a coffee. With a gross amount of sugar, please, and three cream because he has an awful sweet tooth and it’s raining, so they don't have the table with all their sugars and creamers in plastic cups like they usually did. He takes the coffee, walks to the bench and sits down, staring ahead of him. It’s not raining so much here, only a handful of drops broke the surface of the lake.

There aere footsteps beside him, someone is sitting down on the bench right next to him and he can smell the fragrant tea they are sipping. It’s lavender.

He is tense, at first, before settling again. The boy doesn't say a word to him, all dark hair and pink cheeks, blue hoodie, and a scarf wrapped around his chin, which seems to get in the way, sometimes, of his drinking. He tucks it under his chin, only for it to slide back over it when he fixes his gaze forwards.

When the coffee is empty, or nearly, he gets up without a word and left, going back home and sinking under the spray of the scalding hot shower. His skin is flushed red when he steps out, wrapping a towel around his waist and settling in to try to read, try to concentrate on something. In the end, he sits in front of the television screen, petting his cats ears and listening to her soft purring.

_Fifth was Arin._

She was his last attempt. His last shot, the last time he was going to put himself out there. If it happened again, he was done, he didn't think he could survive any more of it. He confessed to her, after dating for a little while, how broken he was. How he tried so hard, but he always made the final mistake, he was always the one to push them away.

She stoked his hair, told him she loved him, kissed his jaw and told him that it wasn't him, that it was everyone else. He just hadn't found the right person.

They fought, sometimes, they argued on occasion, they made up and they were _happy_. He thought about asking her to marry him, and as time went on, he bought the ring and kept it with him, waiting for the right moment to propose.

But things had been tense lately, and he didn't realize until it was too late. Until he had already lost her heart, until she left her phone on the bed when she went to shower, and someone who was named 'Yeonjun' in her phone asked her when she was coming by. That he couldn't wait to see her, and Soobin realized that he just hadn't been good enough. And when she came out of the shower, saw the look on his face, her expression crumpled. 'I'm so sorry' she had said, as if that made it better. 'It's nothing against you, I promise, Yeonjun is just everything-' and she cuts herself off, realizing what she's saying. He smiles, because he's done now, this is over, and takes her face in his hands and kisses her forehead, tells her 'good-bye', and leaves her place.

Soobin almost forgets about that boy, the one with messy dark hair and pink cheeks.

It's been raining more, so he's bundled up a bit as he runs, and the boy sits beside him again. This time he notices the triple eyelids, the soft line of his jaw and chin, the way his lower lip sticks out a little bit, curling into a content smile as they sit together. He notices a pair of deer eyes, and then leaves again. They haven't said a word to each other, and Soobin doesn't want to. He needs no more friends, no more lovers, no more _people_ in his life. Even his brother hasn't been around lately.

He keeps watching that show, connecting to it in a way it feels foolish until one of the characters breaks down, stands in a parking lot and says that _she's the problem_ and that it's not anyone else. That she's the one who always destroys everything, and he aches for a fictional character who's been written into the role he's played in his own life. He can't watch anymore after that, the sound of her breaking down over the things he knows so intimately too much for him to take. He hides in his room, stares at the wall until he falls asleep.

He doesn't run the next day, doesn't have the heart to, and he can't bring himself to watch any more so he starts something new instead, stays bundled up under a blanket and lets the storm ravage the world outside.

He goes to work, smiles, directs his employees, tells them when they're doing well, goes home, sleeps, goes back to work. He does it for five days and hasn't touched the series again. Goes for a run on Saturday, not Sunday like he normally does, at a loss for anything else to do. There are too many hours in the day he doesn't know how to fill. Soobin stops for coffee, and looks up through the window of the truck to see Deer eyes, staring down at him, giving him a grin. He only stares.

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice," the pretty stranger jokes, his voice thick and smooth, heavy to his ears. Soobin says nothing, only takes his coffee and leaves.

He knows where this could go - and experience has told him to stay away. It's not going to happen, not again, he's too hurt to be truly tempted. And stops going to that coffee truck.

Arin's wedding invitation shocks him, when he gets it in the mail.

He stills has that ring, he realizes, the one he had bought for her when he had planned on proposing. And he knows she has found someone else, so he wondered why this is such a shock, why his hands trembled, why he thinks about not going. Inside the envelope was a hand-written letter in Beomgyu's spidery scrawl. It tells him he has better be there, and he realizes just how out of the loop he actually is when he realized that he doesn’t even notice that Beomgyu and Arin are close.

He ignores the invitation, set on the first few crisp days of spring, for a few weeks. And finally, he schedules the days off and checks the 'yes I'm coming' box and sends it away in the mail.

Over the winter, he spends a lot of time sleeping. Thinking about the group of friends he once had, the ones that had one by one stopped talking to him. To this day, he still hasn't known why. He had only stopped meeting them and they had never asked questions. He wonders if he should bring a date, find someone he works with to bring with him so he doesn't look so alone. So in the two years since he’s seen Arin it’s apparent that he has been alone.

But when he catches his gaze in the mirror, it would have been impossible to miss it. He tries to smile, and he wonders why the mirror hasn't cracked at the sight of it. The smile breaks through his features, cracking the lines under his eyes and highlighting the shadows lurking behind the faded brown. He just has a birthday, quietly celebrating his twenty-three by doing the same thing he always does, his age is showing more than ever.

Soobin second guesses himself, wondering if he should back out now and save him the trouble of seeing anyone. Faces he knows, people he would be expected to smile at.

In the end he doesn’t.

The wedding is blue, mostly, pale lights on the centre of each table. The faint purple light reflected on everyone's skin, it is calming in a way, though he feels anything but.

There are so many people, faces he knows and many he doesn't. He wishes he were home, it is Saturday, so he would have gone shopping for a few things. He’s nearly out of cat food, and the new show he started is just getting interesting. He would rather be anywhere but here. His face hurts, the false smiles and the lies he keeps writing every time he spoke wears down on him.

Soobin is a smoker of convenience, smoking only when it means he can get away from everyone for a little bit, sneaking outside, and he does so, often, at this wedding. He has struggled through witnessing the actual marriage, where Arin stands with her hands folded into Yeonjun's, wondering if they could have been happy, had he proposed sooner. It might have been him up there, holding her hands and smiling at her that way.

But it’s not his place, he doesn't have a place here. He is meant to be alone.

He’s sitting at the table with Beomgyu, who has barely spoken to him this whole time. Still cross, he expects, though he has given him a smile, telling him he’s glad he ha’d decided to come. He only nods, corners of his lips quirk upwards because then he can smile without looking like a wreck. And around their table are faces he only sort of recognized, but one.

A kid with deer eyes, smiling like the world spins just for him, like nothing has ever made him sad - like no one has ever dared to take his smile away.

Soobin excuses himself, standing and patting down his pockets just to be sure.

He goes outside, lits up a cigarette and presses his back into the wall. The smoke is harsh in his lungs, maybe he is too old for this. Not like he does it a lot, the ones he had were stale because he'd probably bought them a month ago. But it means a few minutes to himself, so this is the only reason he carries them with him. The pack is damaged, the cardboard edges worn soft, nearly every cigarette bent, one is broken.

The gravel crunches, someone is walking towards him, and he looks up.

That boy stands there, watching him, giving him a smile. Soobin only nods, turning his head away, seething because he just wants to be alone. He has the ring in his pocket, the one he had once upon a time meant to give to Arin. He doesn't know why he still has it, perhaps he would still give it to her.

The boy stands beside him, quietly, and when he is done with the stale cigarette, he goes back inside, hands in his pockets, head down. The boy doesn't follow.

Once the music starts, it’s easier. Everyone mingles, he stays where he is, sitting in the chair and watching everyone else. He spots that boy, and gets up to go outside again. He isn't young and stupid anymore, he knows that look. The kid is going to talk to him - Soobin can at least make sure it’s on his own terms.

The boy stands beside him again, not saying anything, and he knows it’s only a matter of time. Soon, he would start speaking. And Soobin would have to listen.

"I asked Arin who you were." He says softly, suddenly, and of all things he hasn't expected that one. "She said she dated you before she met Yeonjun. Said that you didn't let yourself love her."

His voice is still thick, warm, pretty, his words aren't accusing but they sting because they are true. Arin had never loved him either.

Soobin said nothing.

Missing the blanket he keeps over the couch, the loving cat who has never turned her back on him, he keeps his silence.

"Guess whatever I say won't matter." His voice turns sad, and Soobin can't understand why. "You never noticed me, not until I sat beside you. You looked so alone, so sad, I wanted to help."

Soobin shakes his head, slightly, a jerky movement because he doesn't want help. He doesn't need help. He likes his life, his routine. He doesn't want to change it, he doesn't want to go through all of this again.

"I've never seen anyone who looked like that before." He says softly, though Soobin wonders if the waver in his voice is his imagination or not. "Whatever you think you've done, you're wrong."

He almost laughs, because it’s stupid. Was this stranger trying to be meaningful? Trying to break through his defences to see 'the real Soobin'? No, there is no 'real' under all of his masks. He is just this, a shell, a man who knows exactly where he stands, and stays there obediently, and he is fine with that. Beomgyu had tried, even Arin had tried, but it didn't change anything. Soobin knows what he did, he knows it’s always him to push someone away. He is always the one who doesn't know how to treat people right.

Soobin moves, getting up from where he is leaning against the wall and makes a move to leave. The stranger grabs his wrist, deer eyes begging him to stop. "I'm not done." He says, words bitten out bitterly.

"I am." And he really, really, is. Soobin is done with everything, Especially kids who doesn't even know his name.

He goes home as soon as it’s acceptable for him to do so, going straight to sleep. But he wonders, a little bit, if maybe he should try. One last 'last shot' before giving up. He has already given up, that much is clear. He just doesn't want to leave someone else cross with him, or hurt because of him. He knows he will.

The next day someone is banging on his door, and he suspects it would be Beomgyu, giving him another chance when he knows he deserves no more. So finally he moves, goes to the door and opens it. Deer-eyes stands there, not Beomgyu, looking at him like he matters.

And Soobin sighes, this is him giving in as he steps back to let the stranger in. Nothing he does is going to push him away, he thinks, he is stubborn. So Soobin lets him in and returns to his spot on the couch, the cat disgruntled, staring at him rather than sitting with him, before she notices the stranger.

She is nuzzling up to him, affectionately, purring at him and Soobin can't help but feel a little betrayed.

The stranger sits down on the couch, the other end, and she is curling up in his lap. He doesn't pry, he doesn't speak, he just sits there with his eyes fixed on the screen. And they stay like that, until Soobin finally pauses it and gets up to make something to eat. The stranger follows him into the kitchen, sitting down on the stool and watching him as he cooks. They haven't exchanged a single word, Soobin doesn't even know his name yet here he is, making enough food for two people.

It has been a long time since he had properly sat down with someone to eat - and finds that he hasn't missed it. There is all the worrying that there’s something on his face, self-conscious about the fact that he is putting food into his mouth and chewing it.

After they eat, the stranger only watches him as he takes away the dirty dishes and cleans them. He wants this boy to leave, he cadn't handle letting someone see what his life has turned into - even if it’s the life he has chosen. No one else is supposed to see it, see him like this, damaged and just existing like this. His eyes are sad, as he watches Soobin carefully put the clean dishes in the drying rack, carefully moving through the kitchen to wipe the small spill on the stove.

Without looking at the stranger, he says ' _leave_ ' and waits. He heard his footsteps, soft like a whisper, a hand, delicate and warm, touching his shoulder. The contact makes him jump, he keeps it there, then slowly steps away. Soobin hears him put his shoes back on, hears the door open and close.

Then he is alone again, the way it should be.

The next night the boy shows up again, Soobin doesn't let him in.

But he doesn't stop trying. And by the next weekend, he caves and let him in.

"What do you want from me?" He demands, his voice rough. He knows he wouldn't be able to resist, not when the temptation is there - but he knows how it would end and that's what he doesn't want.

"I want to see you smile." The stranger says, smiling kindly, and out of spite Soobin smiles his fragile smile, the one that fractures his face.

The boy tilts his head back and laughs, and Soobin only turns away from him, leaving the door open. It’s a silent invitation that the boy took, he sinks into the room and slips off his shoes, scooping up his cat and handing her to Soobin, who is sitting on the couch again. And, fondly, the stranger runs his fingers across Soobin's hair as he passes.

"Who are you?" Soobin asks, voice soft, he hasn't flinched at the touch but it’s a near thing.

And the boy is named Kai, and he comes by almost every night. Sometimes Soobin doesn't let him in, sometimes he does. And it’s always the same, they would sit together in silence, and it hurts to know that he thinks he might have wanted Kai all for himself, to kiss him to mark him to make the boy _his_ , but can't because he will just _hurt_ him. Though they never speak, Kai is beautiful and kind. He can see it in him the pure heart he wears at the sleeve. He doesn’t want to hurt him, ever.

After a few weeks of this, Soobin realizes what he’s doing. By keeping him away, by refusing to speak, he is _hurting_ Kai. He can tell, he can see it in him. Soobin's presence is draining the life out of him. He huddles in his bed after realizing it, curling in on himself and trying not to _think_ anymore. He hasn't even realized it, he hasn't noticed, he has almost come to enjoy Kai's presence. But he keeps him so far away, cooks for him and lets him into his home but he doesn't let him in.

Soobin has already done his damage, what more could he do now? How much more could he put the poor boy through?

He calls in sick the next day, lacking sleep, unable to eat, to function properly. And his brother, too, by refusing his encouragement, he has hurt him. By showing his face in that wedding he has given people more reasons to try to contact him, to worry about him.

It’s always hard when this realization hit him, when he notices what he has been doing, when something sparks and he finally opens his eyes. It’s just easier if he cuts himself off from them, locks himself away, tells them to leave him alone, only a quick rejection and then the damage won't be drawn out.

Kai comes by later that night, again, and Soobin barely has the strength to get up. He walks slowly to the door, opening it and simply saying 'go away' before closing it.

Kai sticks his foot between the door and the frame, saying his name as if it’s somehow important. And it isn't, he isn't, and he thinks about fighting him but gives in, stepping away, retreating deeper into the house. Kai follows him, concern written on his face.

"Soobin, please." He is saying, or something like that. His emotions are fluttering under his skin, it feels as though he’s going to burst at any moment.

"No" he finds himself saying, "Just go away." But Kai refuses to, he stays where he is. His deer eyes flashing with concern, worry, and he turns away from him. "Just stop," he’s almost begging, "Just leave now."

"Why? What's the problem? Why should I leave?" Kai is asking, his voice wavered, sounding so sad, so broken, and Soobin hates the sound.

"Because I can't." he whispers, voice shuddering, fighting for control. "Because I've already hurt you and I'm just going to keep doing it because that's what I _do_. I hurt people, I'm the problem, I'm what's _wrong_."

His voice cracks, and with it, he does too, held up only by the places where his palms rest on the counter.

"Oh, Soobin." Kai's voice is soft, drawn-out, he is putting his hands on Soobin's back and stepping in close. He doesn't have the energy to push him away this time. He doesn’t have the strength, "You're not the problem." Kai is muttering, wrapping his arms around his middle, chin pressing into the back of his neck. "You're just tired, Soobin, you're just holding onto things that don't matter. You're fine." His words drift away from him, he is sinking to the floor. The boy stays clinging to him, kneeling behind him, trying to support him.

Kai holds him as if he can keep him together with just his arms.

And so finally, Soobin sags back against him, eyes closed, giving up.

"It only hurts to see you like this" comes that soft voice, murmured into his shoulder. "From when I saw you, I've never seen someone look so broken. I wanted to get to know you, I wanted to let you know everything would be okay. I worried that you'd stop showing up one day, that you might just kill yourself one day and I wouldn't be able to do a single thing about it." Kai is squeezing him tighter now, hiding his face in his collar, fighting tears. "When I saw you at the wedding I couldn't believe it was you, you were Soobin, the guy Beomgyu worried about. He never worries about _anything_."

Kai's breath shakes, he holds into him so tightly, Soobin just lies against him, eyes lidded, one of his hands has come to rest over Kai's smaller one. He tilts his head, nose in Kai's hair, "Never thought about dying." He admits, softly, and he hasn't. It had seemed to be a weak, a foolish choice, what a lesser man had done.

And later, Soobin uses Kai's lap as a pillow and realizes he doesn't have a choice in the matter anymore. Kai is going to be here, like it or not. And Kai is going to run his hands through Soobin's hair and grin stupidly down at him. And Soobin will let him, because he'd take another chance. One last 'last shot'. And if this doesn't work out, he would probably move away. Go traveling on his father's money, see the world and don't stay long enough to hurt anyone.

And a few years down the line, long after Kai's moved in with him, Soobin realizes that he's somehow become happy - and that Kai isn't leaving him.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something I have written in the past three months, hope you like it :)


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